Look up

You looked up and our eyes met,
You looked up and I'll never forget.

The sparkle in your breathtaking eyes,
The first time I truly felt alive.

You looked up when you needed me,
You looked up and your hero became me.

I looked at you and my world was brand new,
I looked at you and saw more than I could do.

What perfect work He did,
He knew I needed such a spunky kid ;).

You looked up and taught me how,
How to look to Him right now.

Now I look up and see His Grace,
Amazing Grace and your sweet face.

I look often for glimpses of you,
He never fails to see them through.

I look at life and this world anew,
I look at your baby sisters and I see you.

I look up and accept His love,
He is surely true because you could only come from above.

My friend, look up...look into His face,
His love flows down in fields of Grace.

When it becomes clear that this is not our place,
Steady your pace and seek His face.

Look up!

Ulcers are from the Devil!!!

  If you or anyone that you love is affected by a form of Neutropenia, I'm quite sure you have complete understanding of the title of this post.  I remember when I was a kid and when my brother was a kid, pre GCSF, our counts would bottom and ulcers came running.  Running to our mouths straight from the pits of hell!  For those of you reading in support you may be thinking this is a little extreme...I assure you it isn't!
  What exactly is a neutropenic ulcer?  Its when our absolute neutrophil count drops to severely low levels and opens a window for bacteria to grow.  Bacteria levels in the mouth and any mucus membrane grow rampant when there's nothing to fight it ie: neutrophils.  Once the neutropenic body begins to wake up and get with the program new neutrophils rush to those areas of potential infection causing painful clusters of neutrophils.  Thus, an ulcer.  They're a double edged sword in my book.  The development of ulcers are a clear indication of the body's defense handling business but they are also a sign of potential intestinal ulcers due to the body being weakened by the drop in neutrophils for so long.  For those of us on GCSF mouth ulcers are a clear indication that our meds need to be adjusted.
   I have, personally, had mouth ulcers the size of a dime.  They leave devastation behind them.  The ulcer itself is painful and often makes even the smallest sip of water excruciating.  However, when the core of the ulcer releases, a hole is left to heal in its place.  It soon becomes a gaping wound that feels every movement and everything that's put into the mouth.  Once the core is gone its a matter of just a few days before all is well again but for those few days you wonder if you're mouth will ever be the same again.  You wonder if you'll ever be able to drink or eat again without fear of pain. 
    You may be wondering why I'm writing about something so random, or maybe you aren't, but at any rate.... I'm writing about this because in the last few weeks Mileigh, my youngest with Cyclic, has experienced mouth ulcers.  They haven't been huge but looks are deceiving.   We have used "miracle mouthwash" on a regular basis and she is now doing better.  Before this last bout I could count on two hands how many mouth ulcers she's had in her almost 5 years.  This tells me my sweet girl is growing and potentially needs more of the medication we inject daily.  I'm thankful for this medication but it terrifies the mama in me.  It scares me because no one truly knows how this medication will affect her in 50 years after daily use.  It scares me because of the adjustment process and the potential increase of bone pain.  It just scares me.  I know that its good and that it saves our lives on a daily basis but it does absolutely nothing for fear.
  Do you know what does do much for fear?!  Him!  His promises!  I don't have to fear this life or anything it has to throw my way because He is bigger than all of that! Thankfully He's bigger than my outspoken mouth too and He can handle it when I let Him him have it about whatever happens to be at hand. Yep!  That, right by itself, makes me smile!  Thank you so much for your support!  I know one precious girl who must be smiling down knowing that she is helping someone else!