It's been a while huh?.... Yeah, well better late than never I suppose. Often, during Thanksgiving but especially during Christmas, it's hard to breathe let alone speak. For one that finds comfort is talking, writing, singing, etc. it's just a time when there are no words. I don't have a reason or explanation as to why some years are harder than others but they just are. This year being one of them. I know there are many opinions on medication vs. not. Personally I despise medication so I try to stay away from what isn't absolutely necessary. Being neutropenic has proven a life of "necessary" medication so I steer clear of the ones I can get by without. Different strokes for different folks. As much as I don't like to take nor admit to needing meds, sometimes it just is what it is. I don't like the way they make me feel. I don't like feeling like I'm in a cloud or sleepy. To be honest, the pain is often a familiar reminder that this is real. This Christmas was one of them. In life and in grief you just do what you have to do to make it and to be the best you can be. Sometimes my personal best isn't so attractive to even those who know and love me but that's ok.
This Christmas season my family took a vacation to Tennessee for a week. It's a place we love and visit often. It's one of those places that feels like home to me. A place where breathing becomes somewhat easier as soon as I cross the county line. This visit, Chad was unable to go with the girls and I due to work. My mom and grandmother and my two aunts went and they had a cabin and we had a cabin. On one of the last days there I took the girls into downtown, which was appropriately decorated for Christmas, and snapped photos and sipped on cider. Once back from the day, in our cabin, with the fireplace going and the girls quietly playing I began to edit these images from downtown. For some of you, you've become more than followers...you're friends. We are connected by more than my posts and you see my daily life thru the eyes of facebook and other social media/networking. This image you have not seen...I didn't post it. I edited the image and studied it for a while.
I began to think about all the things this image represented and I became overwhelmed with a sense of thankfulness. I know and agree that my family has been broken beyond repair especially by this world's standards. I know it isn't the way I wanted and it's a source of excruciating pain but even so my family and my heart is NOT too broken for Him. Ok...so here's the image.
It might not look like much to most but to me it screams love, it screams hope and promise, and a future without brokenness. I began to think about how desperate Mary and Joseph must have felt when they were traveling and turned away the night my Jesus was born. I couldn't imagine the depths of that despair. Being in physical pain, with nowhere to go, and a baby who had plans of his own when it came to arrival. The blow to Joseph's ego when he couldn't provide what his wife and unborn son needed. I compared it to myself. How I couldn't provide what Joeli needed when she was so sick. How I can't take away neutropenia from Mileigh. BUT GOD!
He knows so much more and is so much better at it than me. He made a way for His son and He has made a way for my Joeli and is most likely making a way for you and/or someone you love. The Savior for this ugly, dying world was born in the midst of despair but yet still brought hope. My little girl was ripped from my arms way before her time but somehow is still speaking for me, for Mileigh, and maybe for some of you. I don't know how I'll get through this life without that piece of my heart...good thing I serve a Lord who doesn't require that I know. He just waits for me. Picks me back up off my face when I cry out and forgives me when I turn that anger and hurt on Him.
I have no doubt that hope is here. Sometimes its just not in the way we want or expect. I don't have to agree to appreciate. For now and for as long as the heart in my chest continues to beat I'll miss her, I'll miss what should have been, I'll hurt for her and for my family that isn't whole but I know that I know that I KNOW that one day I WILL hold her again and it's solely because of the hope I have in Him. Don't lose hope, hope didn't lose you.
It's that time of year again...Thanksgiving has come and gone and so have the fleeting moments of family gathered around a table sharing what they're thankful for. So many say "my family", "my job", "time"...These are all true and very much legitimate. I know that I have much to be thankful for but in the midst of those times when I see parents with their children and families fixing their children's plates I am compelled to revisit the anger that once consumed me. I WANTED HER! I WAS THANKFUL FOR HER!
I find myself whispering that all too familiar prayer once more..."are you really there?". Often the words leave me and all I can do is weep and cry out "oh Great God, my baby, my baby". I know He hears that too. I know He's there. Sometimes I just need to feel Him and be reminded again. I forget so easily how far He's carried me. I shouldn't.
Please know that in those quiet nights while the world sleeps and your world is wrecked and in the throws of full blown Neutropenic wars...He's small enough to know. He hasn't forgotten even when it feels like He has.
I find myself singing thru the tears and praying that He's small enough to truly hear. He is and He does and He understands even the craziest of prayers that would send others in frantic search of a straight jacket and rubber walls! LOL.
I am thankful that I am Joeli, Brelan, and MiBeth's mama =)
Be Blessed!
