Monday, January 27, 2014

Time...

   Hi there!  My posts seem to come fewer and fewer lately.  It's certainly not on purpose.  Time seems to get away from me some days especially lately.  The anxiety that comes with holidays and missing loved ones tends to take over here and there.  January 18th was 7 years that Joeli has been with my Jesus.  At times it seems like just yesterday I was scooping my little girl up and wrapping my arms around her and other times it seems like 100 years since I heard her sweet voice and smelled her hair.  It's difficult to explain how in the same breath it feels like yesterday and then so long ago too. 
   Last year at this time I was launching this blog for the first time.  I have been amazed at the response.  It's because of you that people hear Joeli sing.  It's because of you that I find encouragement.  I know how hard it is to be on your side and how often you fear saying the wrong thing.  I have found strength here.  Your comments, your stories, even your struggles that you share with me have brought me to this place in time.  Thank you. 
      So often we hear that time heals all wounds.  I'll say that's a bold faced lie.  I've lost  many that have been close to me including a parent.  Time often dulls the ache and creates a new normal but it doesn't "heal".   7 years later and the death of Joeli, my first born, is just as searing today as it was on Jan. 18, 2007.  I can't replace those memories or that hurt.  Time has given way to awareness.  It has provided situations and circumstances for me to share her and to help others.  It has given me perspectives I never wanted to know.  It has also stolen from me that which I'll never get back.  Oh, how I miss my baby.  I know she wouldn't be a baby anymore...she'd be my 10 year old 5th grader but time took that from me.
  Time, along with the cruelty of this world, have taken much.  However, there are things it can never take.  It will never take away my security in scooping her up at His Feet on that glorious day that I walk thru His gates.  It will never take the closeness that I have with her to this very day.  It will not touch the bond she has with her baby sisters and it will not take her song.  She won't be silenced for as long as there is breath in me. 
  Late last week my family battled illness and while resting MiBeth came to me.  She came with a familiar randomness, that defines her, and said "Mama, I wish Joeli could walk me to class".  I questioned my own ears and said "what, baby?".  She knew exactly what she'd said and repeated to me "Mama, I wish Joeli could walk me to class but she can't.".  With big alligator tears she waited for my response.  How do you respond to that?!  I swallowed, hard, and said "My sweet girl, your friends might not see your big sister with you but I promise you she is with you always.  She walks with you every day just like Jesus does and don't ever believe any different".  She, being 5, was satisfied with my answer and simply said "ok, Mama".  There are times that I wish I was satisfied with His answers for me.  He tells me and I know that He knows better than me.  He tells me that His timing is perfect.  He tells me that all things work together to glorify Him.  I know all of these things and I do believe them.  Often,  it's hard to find comfort in these things when He's the One who holds my little girl.  I have to remember that in His time I will be healed...so maybe time does heal.  Just not in the way we define.  I believe this is true.  It leaves me clinging to a verse that I learned a long time ago but have recently found new meaning in. 
     "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
                                                                   -Hebrews 11:1
Be Blessed!