Long time, no post huh?! Our lives have been slightly nuts recently with Chad traveling half way around the world, the girls' school and softball activities, and throw in a neutropenic admission for me and things get real fun! Schedules are finally back to our normal and the ebb and flow of our lives have resumed. Chad is back to work, homework and softball rule our night lives, and my veins are slowly recovering from the empirical iv antibiotics required for fever and an ANC of zero.
I've had some time to think lately as my body required me to slow down in order to heal. During that admission there were several very painful times when I felt "forsaken"... Have you ever felt that way? Just thrown to the wolves and hope ya make it out alright? I have recently, due to several different types of situations, found myself feeling that way. It's not even in my beliefs to be forsaken! How does this happen? As I laid in my hospital bed with my ninth iv placed and connected to life saving medication that my Joeli was denied, the feeling of being forsaken took hold in my soul. I couldn't even pray to ask why. It didn't matter that I couldn't pray. He heard my heart and He reminded me in so many ways that HE WILL NEVER FORSAKE ME!
"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord
your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or FORSAKE you."
~Deuteronomy 31:6
I wish that I were better at living His word. Sometimes it seems my errors are too big. They're not. I know I mess up a ton but I also know somehow or another I'll get to the other side of all of this. You will too. He will never just be ok with us walking the other way. Funny how life and all it's curve balls happen and there's still that something that sends you reeling back, back to what you know at the core of who you are.
There are so many neutroheros fighting right now. Fighting for life, for wellness, for tomorrow and some just fighting for today. I'm positive that even in my struggles there are so many with so much more and yet I found myself feeling forsaken and alone. I know that somewhere there is a cure for Neutropenia. I know that even when I feel forsaken, He is bigger! He is big enough to handle whatever I feel and whatever we have to throw at Him. Sometimes, it's hard to reach out, ask for help, or just admit we need the help when it's offered. It's hard to trust in a world that finds humor in pain. Truth can't be shaken...it may be hard to see for a time but it's there. We are not forsaken! SING LOUD!
