A Heart Confused...

   How can a heart be so happy and full of joy and so broken and sad in the same moment?  How can you look into the eyes of the child(ren) looking back at you with hand made cards and split faced grins and still feel like shattered glass on the inside?  Many times I question what my heart feels and what's wrong with me...  I just want a Mother's Day or holiday free from confusion, free from hurt, free from wonder, just happy. 
   I hurt for my baby.  I'm happy and full of joy and thankful for Brelan and Mileigh.  I'm thankful for the three years and five months I was given with Joeli.  I'm proud of the mama that Joeli taught me how to be.  I wonder how other mothers who have been forced to say good-bye too soon "celebrate", for lack of a better word, this day.  I can not begin to fathom walking this life without my faith.  I find myself broken for those who choose to walk alone.  Then, I find myself in awe because I don't know how they do it.  I know with everything in me that without my Jesus they'd have buried me with my angel.  I'm not that strong, I'm not that good...I know the One who is though!
   I won't pretend that my life is "together" or even what it should be.  What's "should be" anyhow?  My faith isn't flawless and neither is my life but He is...  I have to keep reminding myself that He is.  He is, He is, He is!  At times it's hard to believe considering the path I've walked and am currently walking.  Something in this story has to be good but good for who?  Don't get me wrong, I'm honored to help others by being honest about this hurt, but where was a story when she needed one?  She deserved that too.  She deserved to be playing with her baby sisters on this Sunday afternoon in her Nannie's backyard while I watched from the swing under the pecan tree.  She deserved to have been with her Daddy picking out cards for me with Brelan and Mileigh. 
  Guess I got a little carried away with the word "deserved" huh?  As "Mama" I'm pretty quick to say what my girls deserve and in regard to Joeli passing I could even go as far as to say I'm a little quick to say what I deserved.  There my faith comes again.  Many say they hear that "still small voice"...not I!  He has to holler at me and often join it with quick SMACK due to me having a slight case of hard headedness!  Joeli is whole now.  No Cyclic Neutropenia, no pain, no effort to understand a sick world, she's perfect.  What exactly is it that we are all fighting for?  A cure right?  Maybe I should have specified the type of cure...there's a thought.  His ways are not always my ways and that's clear.  I didn't deserve Joeli or Brelan or Mileigh...they were gifts.  I'm trying to hard to keep that perspective today and not accuse Him of being an Indian giver.  I say that in a light hearted way...He didn't take her away.  He cured her.  She's waiting for me and will always be mine. 
  I might not be able to scoop her up and hug her tight today or for the last six years but no one can take the bond we have and developed long before I ever saw her sweet face.  This entire post may leave you confused....  that's appropriate huh?!  LOL....  Welcome to my life =)
  I am blessed in the midst of confusion.  I love you Joeli, Brelan, and Mileigh!  All Heart!

There's More Than Meets The Eye

   How often do we go about our day checking off things on our "to do" lists and still fail to get any further than the surface?  Sure, we include lots of detail and keep up with the day to day, but how often do we see clearly?  I get wrapped up in homework, softball, pigtails, is the laundry clean all day every day, and the list continues...  At times the overwhelming feelings of a new day with new tasks tend to cloud my view and often my purpose.  Of course, being a wife and mom includes millions of boxes to check off but it also demands that I feed the souls and personalities that I've been entrusted with. 
   Last week I had a conversation with my five year old, who also happens to be Cyclic.  For those of you who've spoken to a five year old for longer than thirty seconds you are quite aware that those conversations are often scattered and humorous.  In the beginning of this chat with Mileigh I automatically assumed that it'd be another one of those silly talks that appropriately reflected her outlook on life.  I was wrong on every level! 
   My two younger girls, Brelan (7) and Mileigh (5), have been handed more of this world's "blows", so to speak, than most adults.  They understand far more than they should about life, death, hurt, and faith.  That said, Mileigh came to me and wanted to talk about Joeli.  I've never kept anything away from them in regard to her.  In my opinion they'd never know her if I hid her memory away in my own heart.  Mileigh is very outspoken and hasn't developed a filter yet...not sure which parent she got that from but you know, HA!  Mileigh told me, very matter of fact, that she "missed Joeli".  This wasn't the first time I've heard this from her but something in her innocent voice struck me in a way that it never had before.
   I was at a loss.  I looked at this curly, blond haired, blue eyed little girl and did my best to not let her hear the strain in my voice.  I simply replied, "me too, baby, me too".  Mileigh's resemblance to Joeli is uncanny.  She quickly brought me back from my tears and said "No Mama, I REALLY miss Jo-Jo!".  What do you say to such a demanding and serious conversation from your five year old?!  I decided to let her talk.   Some may think that's the easy way to handle such a sensitive occurrence.  I disagree.  Have you ever listened, with your heart wide open, to a child who genuinely misses the sibling they never got to meet?  As a mother, my heart broke all over.  She began telling me about playing with Joeli in her dreams.  She told me that "Jo-Jo" was her "best friend".  As the tears began to pool and burn in my eyes it was all I could do to remain seated with heart and ears open.  I wanted to wrap all of this sweet innocence up in my arms and never let her know the feeling of absence again.  I couldn't.  I couldn't protect Joeli from that and I can't protect Brelan and Mileigh from that either. 
  The tears fell, searing my cheeks on the way down and I hugged Mileigh tight.  I whispered, because it was all I could manage, and told her that Joeli would always be with her no matter what.  I told her that Joeli would watch over her, love her, and be her best friend forever.  She was quick to say "I know, Mama...you have black stuff all over your face" LOL....  There it was, the scattered and comedic return of my Mileigh.  As quickly as that moment came, it left.  That's all she needed. 
   We, as parents, sometimes think that because they're small they don't see clearly.  They do.  Maybe clearer than we do.  There's more to Mileigh than blond curly hair, blue eyes, and sassy carefree mannerisms.  There's truth.  There's heart.  There's joy.  There's hurt.  There's a friendship with a big sister that she never got to meet.  You would never know.  I am in awe of the One who can give them what I can't.  I pray they always meet in their dreams.  Nothing is above Him... He orchestrates much more than we will ever be aware of, maybe even divine friendships.  This makes this mama's heart smile in a way I can't express.  Listen to your babies...you might learn something!  I did =)