A Heart Confused...

   How can a heart be so happy and full of joy and so broken and sad in the same moment?  How can you look into the eyes of the child(ren) looking back at you with hand made cards and split faced grins and still feel like shattered glass on the inside?  Many times I question what my heart feels and what's wrong with me...  I just want a Mother's Day or holiday free from confusion, free from hurt, free from wonder, just happy. 
   I hurt for my baby.  I'm happy and full of joy and thankful for Brelan and Mileigh.  I'm thankful for the three years and five months I was given with Joeli.  I'm proud of the mama that Joeli taught me how to be.  I wonder how other mothers who have been forced to say good-bye too soon "celebrate", for lack of a better word, this day.  I can not begin to fathom walking this life without my faith.  I find myself broken for those who choose to walk alone.  Then, I find myself in awe because I don't know how they do it.  I know with everything in me that without my Jesus they'd have buried me with my angel.  I'm not that strong, I'm not that good...I know the One who is though!
   I won't pretend that my life is "together" or even what it should be.  What's "should be" anyhow?  My faith isn't flawless and neither is my life but He is...  I have to keep reminding myself that He is.  He is, He is, He is!  At times it's hard to believe considering the path I've walked and am currently walking.  Something in this story has to be good but good for who?  Don't get me wrong, I'm honored to help others by being honest about this hurt, but where was a story when she needed one?  She deserved that too.  She deserved to be playing with her baby sisters on this Sunday afternoon in her Nannie's backyard while I watched from the swing under the pecan tree.  She deserved to have been with her Daddy picking out cards for me with Brelan and Mileigh. 
  Guess I got a little carried away with the word "deserved" huh?  As "Mama" I'm pretty quick to say what my girls deserve and in regard to Joeli passing I could even go as far as to say I'm a little quick to say what I deserved.  There my faith comes again.  Many say they hear that "still small voice"...not I!  He has to holler at me and often join it with quick SMACK due to me having a slight case of hard headedness!  Joeli is whole now.  No Cyclic Neutropenia, no pain, no effort to understand a sick world, she's perfect.  What exactly is it that we are all fighting for?  A cure right?  Maybe I should have specified the type of cure...there's a thought.  His ways are not always my ways and that's clear.  I didn't deserve Joeli or Brelan or Mileigh...they were gifts.  I'm trying to hard to keep that perspective today and not accuse Him of being an Indian giver.  I say that in a light hearted way...He didn't take her away.  He cured her.  She's waiting for me and will always be mine. 
  I might not be able to scoop her up and hug her tight today or for the last six years but no one can take the bond we have and developed long before I ever saw her sweet face.  This entire post may leave you confused....  that's appropriate huh?!  LOL....  Welcome to my life =)
  I am blessed in the midst of confusion.  I love you Joeli, Brelan, and Mileigh!  All Heart!