Monday, September 8, 2014

When A Little Heart Breaks

  Hey there.  I'm just gonna jump right in on this one.  My sweet Brelan has been dealt enough in her short eight years.  She was forced to say good bye to the only big sister she had before she was even capable of understanding what that meant.  She was thrown into the role of big sister when Mileigh came along.  She's had to take a back seat often simply because she's healthy and Mileigh isn't.  She's been given way more than an eight year old should have been, in my opinion.  I have to believe that this is just part of God's plan in shaping her and molding her into exactly who she needs to be.  Sometimes I wish that process wasn't so hard especially when they are so young.

   This last week has proven to be pretty tough on my girl.  As a mama, I'm supposed to fix it.  I'm supposed to ease her aching heart and make things better.  Some things, I just can't.  I wish I could.  This world, this life, these circumstances aren't fair.  I'm not raising little girls to believe that we live in a world that is fair, because it isn't.  Life happens.  Being the big sister of a neutropenic has played a pivotal part in who Brelan is.  She is very knowledgeable about neutropenia and has a huge heart for those affected by it in any form.  She truly cares.

   I've watched my sweet baby grow into a beautiful little girl who cares about people.  Maybe I have neutropenia to thank for that.  It's odd to take that perspective when neutropenia has taken so much from me.  I am compelled to find good.  Good in the one thing that was meant to destroy my family.  My Brelan is teaching me that.  Sometimes I am at a loss...a loss for words, a loss as to what I need to do, just lost.  I'm thankful for tiny hearts that are resiliant and that love so big.  No matter what neutropenia has taken from my family, no matter how it's changed our course in life, and no matter what the future holds for us I know that I have been so blessed to be called "Mama" by three of the most precious little girls this world has every seen!

   My heart aches when hers breaks.  I find myself crumpled at His feet and begging for the right answers.  Teach me to teach her the right way.  This morning I was driving home from car line and found myself begging for God to hold her heart today when I cannot.  Tears scortched my face and fell to my lap as I begged for Him to just give peace.  I believe that He will because He never fails.  I steer her to Him when my words fail.  I have to believe that she will grow in Him and that peace will come when nothing else seems to soothe.
  Pray for your little hearts...please pray for Brelan and Mileigh's too.  We are truly thankful for you!  Sing Loud!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

He REALLY hears!

  Hey y'all! I have some crazy exciting news...I've been humbled to tears. When everything in life seems to be going to hell in a hand basket here He comes.  I am so, so glad that He loves even me.  I have done nothing, especially lately, to truly seek His face. Much of that comes from just being mad to be honest. As many of you know, our girls attend a private, faith based school that also happens to be our current church home. It has been a blessing when dealing with the neutropenia and school aspects. This year is very different for all involved in Brelan and Mileigh's education. Mileigh started first grade...did I just say that out loud?! Wow... Anyway, first grade means no naps.  It also means, crap just got real!
 
  I wasn't quite sure how to go about everything that neutropenia entails with these changes aside from what we already had in place.  We do chronic illness letters, pull them both if illness presents in their peers, provide clorox wipes and hand soap, etc...  So far, things have gone very smooth and communication has been above par from their teachers and school staff.  I spoke with their headmaster shortly before school started because I wanted his opinion on how to go about these changes for both of them but especially for Mileigh.  He was aware that we'd been to the family conference this summer and I filled him in on that trip as well as Mileigh's recent bone marrow biopsy.  Part of that conversation led to us discussing Team JoMi tshirts.  That tshirt fundraiser is what made that conference possible for my girls and I.  He asked for a flier with info on them.  We continued the conversation about Mileigh and where to go from here and decided a meeting with all staff involved would be appropriate.

  Last week after school one day we had that meeting.  Mileigh's teacher, Brelan's teacher, P.E. Coach, and Headmaster all in one room with one purpose...to keep Mileigh safe. In preperation for this meeting I thought I'd be intimidated...I wasn't.  He heard there too! We gathered in Mileigh's classroom and there things became surreal.  Here I was telling these people, who care about my little girls, about neutropenia!  IMAGINE THAT! For so long, I've just wanted someone, anyone to just hear.  Just hear what this is and how this affects our lives and how maybe just by knowing changes can happen. I have no doubt in my mind that those teachers and staff were divinely placed in my life and in the life of my girls. They listened to everything I had to say, even the hard parts. They asked questions on how they could help and even made suggestions. Essentially, our situation has now created a situation for them and some might say a more complicated one at that. They didn't seem to mind. They just cared. That's all we've wanted from the start.

  I know you're wanting to hear the exciting news...I'm getting there! In this meeting Joeli was obviously discussed. Joeli's Song was heard. She is taking care of her baby sisters in a way that I cannot. I am so proud of my little girl! It was nearing the end of our meeting and the headmaster began to speak. He'd taken that Team JoMi flier before the board of education for our school. You see, each month our school focuses on one mission.  October is breast cancer awareness, November is a food drive, December is metro ministries, etc...you get the idea.  They teach our kids to love across the board.  The headmaster and I had not discussed specifics on Joeli's death but many of you are aware that she left my arms in January of 2007.  Guess what January is for my girls' school?!  TEAM JOMI month!  You heard me...it's true...my girl is being heard and it's all because of people like you!  So...in preps for January each student will receive a newsletter in December with this blog address and information.  In January students will be given the opportunity to order Team JoMi tshirts for themselves and also given the opportunity to wear them in awareness for my Joeli, my Brelan, my Mileigh and for everyone affected by any form of neutropenia.  How about that for God huh?!  I am in awe of the work that He continues to do with even a mess like me. 

  I am so thankful for the folks that have been strategically placed in the lives of my girls and in my life. He REALLY hears...even when we think He doesn't.  So often I don't have the words and the words I do have fail but I believe He understands my heart even when it's not in the best of places.

  I don't know why you're here, on this page, reading these words.  I don't know if you have neutropenia or if you love a neutropenic.  I don't know much but I know this...He loves you and He loves me and we don't deserve it but oh to see!  Thank you for all you do.  Thank you for supporting me in whatever way you can.  Thank you for raising awareness and for helping this mama make a song heard that others meant to silence.  He hears, He is able, and He is bigger!  Be Blessed!  Sing Loud!