Monday, June 30, 2014

What's Your Limit?

   Hi!  Long time, no read huh?!  It's definitely been one jam packed summer thus far.  As soon as the girls completed K5 and 2nd grade this year we left for Tennessee aka "the place where I breathe easier"...smile.  Since then we've been preparing for the longest road trip we've ever taken.  Can you guess?  Ann Arbor, MI for the NNN Conference...DUN DUN DUN =). 
  Our lives have been pushed to the limit in many ways recently...girls are growing way too fast, hemoc appointments, hard conversations, scheduling bone marrow biopsies, and just trying to keep our heads above water.  Seems like we are right there with the rest of the world.  Hence the title of this post...what's your limit?  At what point do you break?  Typing the question makes me slightly uncomfortable so I'll assume reading it and allowing yourself to seriously consider it's truth does the same. 
  To be quite frank with you, I've had enough.  Period.  End of story.  As selfish as it may sound I am finding myself begging for a divine answer from the One who died for me.  I find myself demanding, not asking, but demanding for a time when life won't be so dang hard.  I find myself begging for a place in this world where marrow doesn't fail, where family understands, where friends are real, and where we are all healed.  I wonder who sets the standards for health insurance companies and what jack-o is able to sleep at night knowing full well they just denied life saving treatment and/or preventative treatment to ANOTHER neutropenic.
  I wonder when my little girl will be considered a priority instead of a congenital marrow failure that's worth setting on the back burner solely because hers happens to be predictable.  In what universe does that even make sense?!  She hits ZERO every 14 days...I hit ZERO every 14 days...her big sister DIED at ZERO...  Where is the limit here?  I've reached mine...have you?  Honestly, I reached mine a long time ago and I've been holding on here since then.  What happens when I can't hold here any longer?  What happens when neutropenia is no longer "treatable"?  I just want a cure for my girl, for yours, and for you. 
    I have found encouragement in many of you and for that I'll be forever grateful.  You have no idea how big of a role you've played in holding me in place during a time when I couldn't hold myself.  I know this post hasn't been exactly uplifting...sorry.  Ok, no I'm not.  It is what it is...right?! Right.  It's just where I'm at.  I'm at my limit.  Again, I'll ask, where is yours? 
  I am looking forward to a road trip with my friends and sweet girls.  I am looking forward to meeting so many of you there.  I can't wait to put faces with so many names and say thank you.  Please pray for us tonight.  Tomorrow.  Anytime.  I pray for you when I can't find the words to pray for myself. 
  Sing Loud...I sing when I cannot speak...I sing when I cannot pray...I sing.
Be Blessed!