First Things First

  First things first...On this day 12 years ago at 12:03pm I became a mama. I became forever changed. Joeli Lynn Mothershead came into my life and made me who I am. She'd be 12 today. I will never forget the first time I laid eyes on her and she looked up at me and I sang to her. I was her hero. Period. Today her Daddy and sisters and I will release balloons, visit her resting place, and of course in typical Joeli fashion...EAT CAKE! She was definately the life of any and every party and I truly miss that about her. Who am I kidding...I miss every single thing about that beautiful soul.

  I titled this post "first things first" because it's been quite the summer with the NNN conference in Seattle, meeting with a "new to me" expert, follow up hemoc appointments for Mileigh and myself, and of course back to school. However, this is bigger. This is her day and I promise to get to that other stuff soon. Be sure to visit in the next few weeks for more info on all of that other "important" stuff. Today is Joeli's birthday!

  One of my best friends came this weekend. She came to help celebrate Joeli with me in whatever way she could. Recently I had a death in my family and that family member's resting place is very near to Joeli's. Due to the logistics of that, her marker has been very hard to keep clean. We went to a local flower shop and had arrangements custom made. We quietly made that drive...the one I remember so clearly. The one where all I could see was her pink casket in the car in front of me. That changes the way you view EVERYTHING. We went equipped with towels, water, cleaning solution, and of course flowers. I figured this way would be easier than having the excessive mess when we went as a family today. We spent quite a bit of time cleaning and arranging and then just sitting with her. I don't do that much anymore. I keep her marker clean and her flowers pretty but it's never been a place of peace for me. I say that because I know, as a believer, that she isn't there. Mandy didn't mind and encouraged taking my time. I laid with my little girl. Mandy also took photographs and I thought I'd feel weird about it but I didn't. I didn't speak...there's nothing to say. I gazed at the etched portrait of her on the hot black granite in the Alabama sun. Tears began to fall and as hard as I tried and prayed that they'd stay, they didn't. They stung my cheeks as I laid as close to her as I could. They fell and stained the clean granite beneath. I never imagined some of these photos and honestly they might be disturbing to some but I don't really care. That's my little girl and this is the life we've been given and I love that I have something to prove that she was here and she was mine and I can be close to her there.

  However, today, we EAT CAKE! Today, we send balloons to Heaven with little sisters who know no different. As their mama, I wonder how life would be different. I wonder who she'd be, what she'd like to do, what she'd sound like, if she'd have good grades or like softball...I wonder what kind of party she'd want and what gift she'd ask for. I'd like to know the struggle of school supply shopping with a preteen and then planning a party all in the same month. I wish I could take a "first day of school" picture with all three of my girls. Can you see the difficulty here? One of the happiest days of my life and I'm sending balloons into the clear blue sky. She deserved to live this life and be at her 12th birthday party and give this mama preteen attitude and go to middle school and all of that normal 12 year old stuff that, to be honest, I know absolutely NOTHING about...and I should!

  Now, the tears are steady and I can't help but change perspective here and see her in the lap of Jesus on her birthday. What a celebration! To say I'm jealous of Jesus is an understatement! She's perfect there. I don't know what she sounds like or what she would have wanted for her birthday but I know that she is perfect and she is nothing but happy. I don't know when I will see her again but I know that I WILL! I know that one day I'll walk through those pearly gates and I'll scoop my little girl up again and I'll spend eternity making up for lost time and hearing about her life there. Maybe I sound a little scattered...oh well. I likely won't walk through those gates either, I'll run. For those who know me personally, you know that's borderline humorous because I'm not running anywhere!

  I am trying hard to find the good things here. This is her birthday. This is the day that I was handed an angel that called me "Mama". I find myself with an internal struggle on these "celebration" days. I love that I know that my Jesus has my little girl and that she is healed and whole and happy but I desperately wanted to do life with her. I just wanted to be her mama for a real long time...right here in this place where I could put my arms around her. How do you walk into a flower shop and purchase an arrangement for you child's grave? How is that right? How do I take Brelan and Mileigh to their big sister's GRAVE for her BIRTHDAY?! I just do, because that's all I have and because this is the world we live in and it wasn't made to be fair. So, I teach them that we celebrate even when it's hard and we smile even when it hurts because she WAS here and she DID live and she IS their big sister! She is fighting and singing for every neutropenic baby out there. I have no doubt that she is with them when they are sick and that her song is being sung loud and clear and I AM SO SO PROUD of her! Happy Birthday, Joeli Lynn! Mama loves you ALL HEART!

 We love you, we miss you more than words, we can't wait to see and hug you, and untill then we will SING LOUD! Happy Birthday my beautiful girl! Thank you for making me who I am and loving me in every way that you can. Thank you for the relationships you have with Brelan and Mileigh even from His feet. I love that about you! I miss you more than words. See ya on the flip side!

  To those of you who've stuck this post out this far...thank you! For those who couldn't, I understand. I value your encouragement and comments. I love how yall love her. I love how yall support this broken hearted mama. I promise to update on the rest of our summer soon...but today...EAT CAKE! (and if you want to EAT CAKE in Joeli fashion...make it chocolate!) **SMILE** and PEACE OUT!