Still...

  It's midnight here in south Alabama and still I wake.  My bags are packed for New York, the girls' lunches and snacks are made for their first day as second grader and kindergartener, the house is settled and I've rounded on those who sleep more than once and sniffed their sweet heads, and here I am...still.
  My home is still and still my mind races of what is to come in the next 24 hours.  I've never been to New York, I've never met so many folks face to face who care so deeply for a child they never got to meet, I've never faught so hard than in these last 6 years, 6 months, and 28 days.  I find myself actually hearing the stillness...is that possible?  There's a rhythm to it.  The relaxed breaths from across the hall, the click of the AC, the random sighs from one of the girls, then the pounding of my own heart.  How is it possible for a heart so broken to still function with resounding rhythm?!  Be still. 
  Psalms 46:10 says to "Be still and know that I am God"...Surely He is.  Surely it is Him who strengthens me in this stillness.  I wonder what life would be like if this wasn't my life.  I wonder if I make her proud.  I wonder if justice will ever be.  Surely.  I wonder and then I am still...still in my thoughts and still in my heart.  Still, because if I continue to wonder it will quickly overcome.
  I had the privelege of putting my arms around a lady today that has recently been thrown into the world of sudden loss and for a moment, in that public place, all was still.  No words were spoken...they weren't needed.  I understood, so did she.  I often fear not being understood or being taken wrong.  There's a stillness in this life that follows and intrudes on even the busiest of times.  Life becomes still in an instant and all else fades away.  I remember the times that I was still with Joeli and she was still with me.  I look on those memories now and smile.  There's improvement there...there was a time when even happy memories became searing pain. 
  The tears that fall set fire to my face.  The sting reminds me...reminds me that here I am...still...still in this place.  He's not done with me.  I have a job to do and people to reach and a song to make known...Joeli's Song.  I hope to make her heard in New York, I hope to do well by her, and I pray to make some headway in Neutropenia work.
  Be Still...