Friday, August 30, 2013

Questions I Never Wanted To Hear

  How often do you take the time to truly listen to your children?  Well, for me, I find myself rushing through daily tasks begging for one more minute because I don't seem to have enough hours in the day.  We don't always find ourselves seated to dinner at the same time and/or place in my family.  However, when we do I try to make it count.  In a perfect world there would be enough room and time for everyone and no one would bring a phone in hand.  I try to make it a point to leave my cell away from the table for the most part but there's an occasional slip. 
   I've been thinking on this particular post for a while now and that's not like me.  I typically decide to blog on a whim and sit down and out it spills.  However, this has been one that has truly taken me back.  About a week ago I sat down at the table with Brelan and Mileigh for dinner and in usual fashion Mileigh was more focused on yakking then on eating.  Ever been around one of those children that you have to constantly remind them to get a bite?  Yeah well that's Mileigh...for every single bite! For a while I thought and even hoped it was a phase and maybe that's true but if so it's one that is here to stay for while.  I'll take her yakking any day though.  I remind myself that there will come a day when she doesn't want to tell me every single detail and I'll think back on these days to get me through. 
  Anyway...speaking of details right?!  We were sitting at the table and it was soon after I'd returned from my trip to New York for Joeli's birthday run so Joeli's birthday was still very much in the forefront of every one's mind.  MiBeth is full of questions and often doesn't hear the answer to her current question for asking the next one.  As you can imagine, emotions were still running high and I'd found myself in a fog at the table, exhausted from the day, just watching my girls enjoy dinner...well, Brelan was enjoying it LOL...Mileigh was yakking away.  I don't think I even know what all she was saying because I was just watching them from what seemed like a far away place although I was seated right next to them.
  I was quickly thrown face down and sucker punched back to the reality that I live in when Mileigh looked up to me and said "Mama, am I gonna die like JoJo did because I'm 5 years old now?".  ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!  I was floored...what do you say to your 5 year old who, understands Cyclic Neutropenia to her fullest capacity, when she questions her own death????  I took a deep breath and cleared my throat and looked at this amazing child of mine and said "baby girl, we never know when it's our turn to go but I do know that today you are here and today we have neutropenia and JoJo doesn't".  She latched onto my words like a parent of newly diagnosed child and said with surprise "JoJo ain't neutropenic ever again?!".  I could only smile when I answered her..."she sure isn't".   Just like that, she believes.  Oh to have faith like a child!!  I've come to understand exactly what that means when He speaks of that in His Word through parenting Brelan and Mileigh through Joeli's death and now legacy in this life. 
  I walk this life broken hearted for part of my heart is no longer here but this night I was quickly reminded of the love He has for me no matter what state my heart is in.  I felt like I'd been punched in the throat when those words came from my little girls lips.  She should never wonder those things.  She shouldn't have to ask if she is going to be ok or if her big sister is ok now.  There's so many things, in my mind, that I say she shouldn't have to question or try to understand.  Who am I?!  This world is far from fair...  I'm not a parent who raises my girls to think this world owes them a thing or that it's going to treat them properly let alone fairly.  Joeli came into this world a fighter and by my own definition fought her way to the ultimate healing all the while leaving a voice and a song to be forever heard.  Brelan came into this world with a saving purpose...she saved this mama from the grave and I know He has big plans for her sweet soul!  MiBeth came here with a bang and hit the ground running!  She has a connection with Joeli like I've never known.  I can't explain it.  She never met Joeli but swears she knows her.  Brelan was so young but demands that her memories are her own.  MiBeth is a fighter to the core and I can't wait to see how she is used in the world of neutropenics! 
  I've said it before but I'll say it again: Joeli made me, Brelan saved me, and Mileigh sanctified me!  God uses Brelan and Mileigh to restore a faith in me that I feel gets lost often.  I find myself an emotional wreck...again...and here comes Brelan or Mileigh with an insightful and from the heart comment or question that reminds me who I am.  I don't mean who I am according to the definition of this world but who I am in His eyes. 
  I rarely get this life right but I am blessed by the gifts He gave to me in Joeli, Brelan, and Mileigh.  I wish Brelan and Mileigh didn't have to understand such grown up emotions but I'm continuously taught by their hearts.  I'm honored to call them "mine" and oh if I could stop time!!  For now, I look to these conversations with my girls and remind myself to slow down and clear the fog for a while.  Sit down, listen, and enjoy the smiles.  What I'd give to see three smiling faces around my kitchen table!  Oh what a day it will be when we all get to His kitchen table and all my girls are with me.
   Listen to your babies...they may be precious messengers from the One who hopes to one day see your smiling face at His kitchen table.  He is ABLE!

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