"Neutropenia Makes Me Sick!"

   Pun intended!  My MiBeth feels like pure T trash right now and truth has never been more true than when these words define you.  She has been fighting a cold for a few days now but it all went down hill Tuesday night.  She has been miserable ever since.  Low grade fever, sore throat, cough, and oh yeah...NEUTROPENIA!  School was out Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of this week for Mardi Gras but Mileigh was home today too for Neutropenia.  She will likely be home tomorrow too.  I held her for much of today and we spent that time in pjs with Disney Jr.  I swapped the laundry occasionally and fixed lunch etc but then was back on the couch with her.  Her mouth is scattered with ulcers including her tonsils and she feels horrific.  My heart breaks when Neutropenia rears its ugly head in such a way.
   Neutropenia has so many titles that define it but this week, today, right now....Neutropenia is a THIEF!  It steals much more than neutrophils.  It steals life.  It takes away energy and often smiles.  It steals play dates and school days.  It takes away our happy.  It leaves us defeated and lifeless and that is a place I refuse to stay.
   My friends often comment on my "strength".  Today...I AM DONE.  I AM OVER NEUTROPENIA.  I am done with living life in a constant state of picking up the broken wreckage it leaves behind.  I am NOT strong and I am NOT brave.  I am weak and I am broken and I am tired.  I was left standing in the ER ambulance entrance with empty arms and the air ripped from my lungs thanks to Neutropenia.  I've had countless conversations with my toddlers with every effort to explain death and why their big sister isn't here with them.  I've tried over and over to answer questions that should never enter their precious minds.  I've spent the last two days holding my neutropenic little girl and praying over her.  I've cried when she finally slept and begged God to heal her beautiful little body because this is something that Mama can't fix.  I have poured out my soul right here and in any way that folks would listen so that this wreckage that is me isn't what others become.  I have fought for children I do not know...maybe yours.  Right now, right here, with sick neutropenic eyes fighting to stay awake beside me, I am undone.  I don't understand why so many choose to look the other way.  Can they not hear?!  Do they not care about the child that may come to this diagnosis in days, weeks, months, and/or years to come?!  Do they not care about mine? 
  Times like right now I know that I am weak.  It is what it is.  Neutropenia makes me sick!  I do, however, hold on to a promise that I don't deserve.  He is never defeated.  He is never done with me.  To be honest, those words are hard to type right now...I'm just broken and I just want my Mileigh to feel better.  As simple as it sounds, it just isn't.  I know that when I cannot speak He catches my tears and hears my cries.  He knows.  I believe there's a cure for us.  Please pray for Mileigh.  Pray for healing.  Pray for pain relief.  Pray for neutrophils.  Pray for rest.  Just pray because He hears.  Peace out.