Looking Back...

   So, I had a detailed appointment today with my hemoc....Eh, I'll go there another day.  I came home after all was said and done and for whatever reason decided to think back on and even dig into some of my old journals.  I used to physically write in journals daily...long before the blog.  My head was swirling with so much information and planning regarding things coming up in the neutropenia world and I began to think about my Joeli and my Brelan and my Mileigh. 
   I was so afraid when I was carrying Mileigh.  Afraid that she too would be born with failing marrow.  She was.  It took several months to get things settled and the first two years involved several admissions.  Such is life....the neutropenic life.  I came across a journal from the year of Mileigh's birth and found an entry from within one of her hospital admissions.   It's fitting for how I feel right now.  In my opinion, Neutropenia, in all it's forms becomes a "cyclical wrath".  We go through a series of tests, results, the balancing acts of neutropenic life, then just that quickly infection comes in and it all goes to hell in a hand basket and the process repeats itself. 
  Ready, Set, Go....then get ready to do it all again because it WILL come again!  Anyway...here's that entry =)

Here In This Place

 

We're here once again my precious child, we'll be here for just a while.

 

I see you with your precious smile, shining through the hurt all the while.

 

You remind me of her and how she laughed, even in the midst of this cyclical wrath.

 

How I wish she were here to hold you and tell you how strong you were, that was just her.

 

I pray you see her in your dreams tonight, for I know that she is holding you tight.

 

She was a precious soul in every part, know that she loved her baby sisters...ALL HEART!

 

Joeli Lynn, Brelan Renee, and Mileigh Beth, You three share a bond that amazingly takes my breath!