Do you ever find yourself just wanting to run?! I don't mean take a jog or get your cardio on with a ten minute mile. I mean RUN! Throughout my life, and especially in regard to illness and grief, I've found myself often in a full sprint to nowhere. Grief stricken moments, days, and months after I kissed her one last time were often brought full circle when I found myself exhausted from the endless running. I found myself in a state of brokenness that I never knew existed. Even in the darkest of those days I knew He was near. I knew if that promise were not true my heart would not continue beating. I'm here to tell you that there is a promise to hold to. There is hope for the hopeless! It's no secret that I'm a wreck.... I wasn't sure I'd be able to write out loud like this when I knew in my heart that it was time. I was afraid of many things. Some days I still find myself in the throws of an internal fight for clarity. I've been compelled to find a source of strength and I'd do you a disservice if I didn't share. I want to share a couple of bible verses with you that have been pivotal in my strength for writing some days.
I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chosen you
and will not throw you away.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
-Isaiah 41: 9-10
AMEN, AMEN, AMEN! Even in my brokenness and in the mess that I am, He still chose me! I am overwhelmed when I think of Him holding me up with His right hand. How great is our God?! After all my junk and all my running I can tell you that I was used up and worth nothing. I find hope when I hear from Him. I find hope knowing that by the standards of this world I was done for but even so He chose me and refused to "throw me away".
I can say that I've tried to outrun Cyclic Neutropenia too. Doesn't work. This rare illness is one that demands a head on fight. When I found out that Joeli was Neutropenic like me something within me changed. That denial and running changed. As far as I was concerned it was ON! I refused to let a rare illness ruin our lives and cause us to live in fear. Cyclic Neutropenia, in my book, had met it's match! Joeli was so healthy I was often in disbelief. Her three short years here consisted of admissions that I could count on one hand. She laughed, played, sang, danced...everything I'd dreamed for her. The outcome wasn't one I'd ever imagined. She was too good for here. That said, she now fights for her baby sister. Maybe she fights for someone you love very much as well.
Some may say that Cyclic Neutropenia won. I respectfully disagree. Cyclic Neutropenia may have given me a gaping wound but my sweet girl won. She won because He won. He won 2000 years ago on a cross, He won the day Joeli awoke in His arms completely healed, and He wins today! He won for me and He won for you.
So, in regard to the run...yes, I still run. I still think, at times, that I can handle my mess alone. I'm hard headed and often find myself crumpled at His feet again. You know what? He's ok with that too. I run wide open and often in the wrong direction. He's a pretty good runner himself. He's never far behind. I find when I'm running in the right direction I don't tire as easily. I find when I'm running to Him instead of in the opposite direction that there's a peace that is unmistakeably Him. I don't find that peace anywhere else. Actually, truth be told, running in any other direction leaves me overwhelmed, exhausted, and empty.
I don't know what direction you're running in. I don't know if your struggle is within, physical, emotional, or otherwise. I do, however, know the One who Won!
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