Here I am... I've had a few messages and phone calls wondering where a new post was. Its here I promise :). Mileigh, our youngest, is due for her annual hematology/oncology appointment and I'm sure that will include an increase in her GCSF as a result of her recent growth. I have thought about this briefly but haven't been for the appointment yet so the increase wasn't in the forefront of my mind. Well, this weekend I noticed she was starting to drop and show signs of it. We rarely develop mouth ulcers thanks to our daily maintenance dose of GCSF but Sunday night proved otherwise for my MiBeth.
My sweet girl's tolerance for pain is already nothing to fool with but I had no clue she had developed an ulcer. She showed me that night and after careful inspection with a flashlight there it was rested inside her sweet cheek. So the miracle mouthwash began to flow. My girls are out of school this week for "family holidays" aka Mardi Gras. Just a perk of living in the south. It has worked out to our advantage though because its now Wednesday and she still isn't up to par.
We have truly been blessed because its been so long since she has been sick but that also means we quickly became accustomed to more sleep. For the past two nights I've been up and down with her. Giving meds for pain, assuring her it was only a dream, and praying over my baby. Last night in particular she and I sat in the living room and with her head on my chest I cried out to the One who can heal my baby. I wasn't sure she had been awake enough to realize I was praying out loud until that precious voice spoke up and said "thank you, Mommy". My heart broke as her eyes closed again and the tears began to soak her curly hair. I know that she is ok. I know it's just a drop. Her temperature hasn't spiked and we haven't been in desperate need of the admission protocol in so long. She's on the mend and I can tell. All of that said, in the midnight hours while I pray over my girl, the panic rises.
Emotions tend to be even more on edge when lack of sleep is involved. Once Mileigh was comfortable and asleep again I was driven back to the times that I sat with Joeli's sweet head on my chest. Back to the times that I prayed over her and held her through the night. What I'd give to have her rest on my chest again. I know Joeli is watching over her baby sister. I know she smiles when she sees Mileigh play and I know her heart breaks when she sees her hurt. This right here is why this mama's fight will NEVER cease! Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss Joeli. Not a day goes by that I don't look into the precious faces of Brelan and Mileigh and become thankful for that moment.
I'll take my sleepless nights. I'll take the days that follow with every stress included. I'll take the heightened emotions. I'll be thankful for another day with my girls no matter the conditions. I'll watch Brelan and Mileigh and wonder what it'd be like to watch all three. I'll be thankful for the three years I was blessed to know Joeli. I'll provide memories for Brelan and Mileigh that they'll never own with their own memories. I'll make sure they know her. I'll choose a better attitude at 3 a.m. Sleepless doesn't have to remain soulless. I'm honored that He chose me and I'll be honored even at 3!
Mileigh is now napping with her big sister. I'm praying her body is responding and that she rests well. I'm praying that the strength she has only grows. He hears! Thank you for praying for my girl! Thank you for your support! By the way, I was honored to have people contact me looking for a post. Y'all sure know how to make a girl smile! Be blessed!
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