Happy 11th Birthday, Joeli Lynn!

   Happy 11th birthday to this beautiful little girl!  My heart is torn in such a way that it's beyond being described in words.  How can one of the best days of my life also be one of the most gut wrenching, heart breaking, and breath taking ones all at the same time?  August 18, 2003 was a day that changed who I am forever.  Joeli graced us with her presence that humid Monday at 12:03 in the afternoon and it was at that moment that I became "mama".  She was perfect.  She was chunky, pink, and screaming.  I sang to her, I held her, all was right in the world. 

  Joeli loved parties and I loved hearing her talk about them.  She pronounced "party", "pah-tee" and she absolutely loved everything about them and anything could call for a celebration.  As many of you know, planning parties can often be a little hectic.  Embrace that crazy...I would.  I wish I could.  I'd give anything to be planning her party right now.  To invite her friends and see her be celebrated in the way that every little girl deserves.  I hurt when all I can do from this place is celebrate without her.  My heart breaks when we release balloons with Brelan and Mileigh at their big sister's resting place and cut her cake without her.  The tears are relentless and refuse to stay put when I explain over and over that this is just God's plan and that Joeli is having her party in Heaven.  What do you say to your children when they ask why they can't go to their big sister's party in Heaven?  I remember Brelan and Mileigh both at different times asking when we could go to Heaven and why it couldn't be now...I wish I had those answers.  I wish the answer was "NOW"! 

  It's not right.  It's not fair...but what is fair?  I don't teach my girls that anything about this life, this world is fair because it isn't. Period.  I'm raising them to remember Joeli and to remember that she was here and that she deserves to be heard and that she will always be their big sister and will always be with them no matter where they go or what they do in life.  I'm raising them to celebrate people because people matter.  I'm raising them to love big and to sing loud.  I'm raising them to find the good because otherwise there is so much bad. I'm raising them to look forward to life no matter what it throws and to speak for themselves and make themselves heard.
    Sometimes I wonder what a birthday celebration is like with Jesus!  Can you imagine?!  I cannot begin to fathom a birthday party in Jesus' back yard!!!  When I think of how I look at my girls and how blessed I am to call them mine I can only imagine how He looks at us and how He celebrates us and longs for us. 

   I know sometimes life gets crazy, kids get cranky, and we wonder how much longer till bedtime.  Hold on tight to that crazy.  You never know when it might change and you'll be left in a fog wondering what to do now.  I have been so blessed by so many of you.  In a world that will never be right for me, I've found a place with many of you who choose to love me and to love my girls and to make Joeli heard.  Thank you!  

                     Happy Birthday, Joeli Lynn!!  You are one brilliant little girl who truly blessed this world!  
I love you, all heart!!  I promise there will come a day when we will never again be apart!  Sing Loud.  You make me so very proud!