Loss Unspeakable...

    Mornin'...I'd say "good" but it isn't.  You know, most days I try and usually succeed at choosing a positive perspective on life.  Today isn't one of those days.  Today hurts.  It's one of those things you just wake up with sometimes.  I didn't decide to have a bad day...they're forced it seems.  I made sure Brelan and Mileigh had a good morning and got them off to school.  As much as I wanted to just crawl back into bed, I tied my tennis shoes in prep for the gym.  After good bye kisses and "have a good days" were exchanged my truck seemed to be in auto pilot.  I put my truck in park and grabbed my headphones.  I couldn't hear what was going on in the gym around me but I found myself staring at the t.v. that I couldn't hear.  Somewhere and about something I read the words "loss unspeakable".  Ironic much?!  Soon my 30 minutes was up on the elliptical and I made my way back to my truck.  Funny how these days come complete with silence even from those who have no clue.  Not one person spoke.  Neither did I. 
   
    I turned the engine and for no reason at all fought back tears...tears with no explanation and no trigger.  Again, in auto pilot, I drove.  I found myself at her resting place.  Joeli would've started 5th grade this year...her last year of elementary school.  That's a pretty big deal.  I sat and stared blankly at the beautiful black granite stone with her precious face forever etched into it's smooth finish.  It reminded me of how my girls are forever etched into who I am, into every fiber of my being.  I began to think about those familiar words..."loss unspeakable".  I have lost much in my life.  Nothing can compare. Period.  I've lost a parent, grandparents, even friends but nothing quite like this.  This is like losing your soul.  There are no words for this loss. 

    If you've followed my blog for any time at all you have probably read at some point that I try to not view Joeli's death as "loss" because I have no doubt where she is.  While that's true, some days feel very different.  Today it's loss and it's loss unspeakable.  I don't understand the world in which we live!  I want an explanation and I WANT TO BE HER MAMA!!!!!  I want to be her mama here, in this life, on this earth, and in MY arms!  I miss my little girl!  I miss what should have been and I'm flat out pissed that life was taken from her. I have heard it time and time again that "everything happens for a reason"....I'M CALLIN BULL CRAP!  There was absolutely no reason for her death...NONE!  Joeli should be here with her mama, her daddy, her baby sisters, her family, and all the friends she never got to meet. 

    I feel like a singer who's been thrown onto a football field...LOST and completely out of place.   Sheer panic. How do I parent a child who isn't here?!  That doesn't even make sense!  Everyone goes about daily life and while I do take steps forward and go about life in order to give Brelan and Mileigh "normal" and healthy and happy and good and all of those things...my life remains in the screeching halt of January 18th 2007 when Joeli was ripped from me.  I WANTED MY BABY GIRL!  I wanted to show her life and teach her to love and to grow.  I don't care who you are or what degree you obtain or what credentials you posses it is not and will never be "natural" to live this life on this earth without your child. 

  I love you all heart, Joeli Lynn!!!  You will forever be where I begin. 

  Sing Loud.