A day I still struggle to comprehend...

So...I'm not one typically interested in the negative.  I try to speak positive and live positive so that my girls learn to see the good in all things.  That said....there are times and circumstances that prove nearly impossible to find the silver lining to.  I believe that lining is always there but often in the midst of tragedy "it is what it is"...terrible.  In my previous post I mentioned how we had such a great Christmas and how little did we know our lives were about to change forever.  Well, on January 14, 2007  Joeli spiked a temp.  This came a few days after seeing a new hematologist for a routine appointment.  I did the "normal" protocol for us and went to the ER for counts.  Her ANC was ZERO.  We were not admitted due to a reliable source of her infection.  After medication and instruction I took my sleepy girl home.  The next four days are, at times, foggy and overwhelming and at other times clear as day.  She remained sick and, on January 18,2007, after constant communication and endless days, nights, and prayers over my sweet girl I held her for the last time.  Pseudamonas Aeruginosa had invaded my precious baby's blood and because of a neutropenic episode she was unable to fight such a nasty gram negative bacteria.  Sepsis.  The word every parent fears when taking care of a sick baby.  It was very unexpected and honestly I felt as though I could not take one more breath.  I held her close, I kissed her sweet face, I unwillingly said good bye to the child I'd fought and prayed so hard for.  How do I do this????  I just kept saying "MY BABY, MY BABY".  I'll never forget the searing pain, the look on my sweet husband's face, and the utter confusion that had been thrown at me.  That day a piece of me died with my Joeli.  That day Heaven got so much sweeter.  That day she sang in the arms of the One who knew her before me.  As a believer my ultimate goal as a parent is to one day worship at the feet of our Jesus WITH my children.  I find comfort in knowing that she's already there.  I will never worry if she'll choose Him...HE CHOSE HER!  The anniversary of Joeli's death is quickly approaching.  Again, I find myself struggling to breathe freely.  Struggling with the pain in my arms as they ache to hold my sweet girl.  Wondering what she'd sound like now, what she'd like to do, who her friends would be, what the bond would be like between three sisters instead of two, etc...  I could continue but I won't.  Now, most importantly, she sings...she sings in praise of Him but she sings loud and clear for every neutropenic child and parent out there.  I pray people hear and I pray they listen.  I'll continue her song until I hold her again.  Until then.... 
   Consider Him, consider His love.  I wouldn't be here without it.  Be Blessed.