Today, and the last few days, have been very routine. Not much out of the normal schedules of school, homework, church, and date night. I started today like every day heading to car line then for an hour of cardio. On the way to workout I passed a church and daycare that I pass often but this time was different with no apparent reason. Joeli was in that daycare briefly before her first birthday and for whatever reason that familiar lump formed and the feeling of sheer panic overwhelmed me. I didn't understand where it was coming from, I still don't. All I know is at that moment the reality of my life and the condition of my heart hit me smack in the chest and once again I fell to the heartache. There were no words but I'm certain He heard the cries of my heart right there in my truck. I begged for Him to hold her tight for me. I'm struggling to even put this into words today for some reason. I made it through my cardio and felt myself begin to calm and find that place of production again.
"The show must go on..." I forced myself to find a loud country song that I could sing to and not think about anything on the drive home. It worked (smile). I jammed all the way home and found that Chad hadn't left yet for his last hoorah of hunting. Season ends tomorrow so he was preparing to leave for the night. The "routine" of this stay at home mom kicked in like clock work. Dishes done, floors swept, and crock pot filled I sat for a few to chat with Chad before he left. I've started cleaning out the girls toys etc and yesterday had done their drawers of folded clothes....all 7! They share a room, and love it that way. They are also in what used to be Joeli's room. Some may think that'd be hard but its always been comforting to me...she would've been thrilled to have a slumber party every night with her sisters! Several of her things and memories remain in that room and Brelan and Mileigh love that connection. They very much include her despite having no real memory of her. Matter of fact, if asked, they'd say otherwise in regard to the memories.
Chad got on his way and I made my way to the girl's room to clean out their closet. Two little girls in one closet?! What was I thinking??? LOL... Anyway, I began to take pieces of clothing that no longer fit or was worn too often and put them into a bag. I sorted hangers, pants, and even shoes. As the music played in the background and I sang along there really was nothing pressing going on in this head of mine...until there was. In the back of the closet was the coat she'd worn that day. The last day I ever heard her call me "mama". I didn't forget it was there. I just never took it out. It was just me, the music, and Joeli's room. The tears began to fall. Six years later as I stood in what was once my sweet girl's closet, I lost it all over again. I just want so bad to know her now, to kiss her forehead, and hear her elementary school drama. Often, I just have to embrace these days and let the tears fall. I call them "Joeli days" for lack of a better explanation. It's not a bad thing....just a day. There are days that I wake up and know it's one of those days and other days it takes me by surprise. Today came when I least expected it. Sometimes that's just how life is, I guess.
Tears fall down, but they never find the ground.
He holds my face in His hands, giving my tears a place to land.
He hasn't forsaken me, it is He who has taken me.
He takes me to a place of peace, a place where Grace flows with ease.
Often, I struggle to find my place. I wonder what sense this all makes. It has just been one of those days. I believe there's Grace in the midst of tragedy. I know there is. I'm living it. I have to believe there's more to life than this. There's a reason I'm "writing out loud"...there's a reason you're reading it. I'm thankful to serve a God who understands my "Joeli days". He knew I needed today. I'm left drained and exhausted but often those are the times that He's heard the loudest. Don't ever think your tears fall in vain...He's got them. They don't go unseen.
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