Aching Night

        Six years ago tonight her head still rested on my chest.  I still counted each breath.  Little did I know what the next morning would bring...and take away.  My arms still physically ache for her.  The panic is physically overwhelming.  I remember how terrible she felt and how sweet she remained through that.  I remember being her hero and the only one she wanted. 
      At that point in my life I had no reason not to believe that mamas could fix anything.  I had so much I wanted to do with her...this was just a bump in the road and we'd surely make it through this one too.  I knew our lives would require an endless fight for proper care and protocol.  I never could have imagined the fight she'd be forced to surrender to for her own breath.  I wish it had been me. 
       As I sit covered in my own tears, my own pain, my heart aches to be with my sweet girl.  I didn't know this kind of hurt was even possible to experience and continue breathing through.  I told myself I wouldn't write today.  I don't know why I feel like someone needs this small window into my soul.  I do, however, know that His plan is perfect and somehow this will all one day make sense.  I cling to His promises because they are all I have.  He promises I'll hold her again.  Until then...Mama loves you Joeli Lynn!