How?

   How am I supposed to walk this road?  The same way you do...one step and one breath at a time.  I decided to wait till later in the day to write today on purpose.  Joeli took her last breath at 10:17 am six years ago today.  I found myself lost in music as I pounded away on the elliptical.  Five miles later I realized the pain in my feet and legs and decided that was enough for today.  I'd made it through our morning routine of lunches, brushing teeth, and car line for Brelan and Mileigh.  I felt compelled to hold on to them a little tighter, a little longer before they jumped out and ran into school.  You just never know.  I had to make a choice today.  How easy it would have been for me to return home and crawl back under the covers.  Instead I wondered what I could do in the day to day process of our life to honor Joeli.  So, I worked out, fixed my hair and face, met with a friend for lunch, ran a few errands, and checked Brelan and Mileigh out of school early.  Doesn't sound like anything out of the norm.  There's that "normal" again...someone please remind me what that definition is! 
   One question I am frequently asked is "as a believer, do you find comfort in knowing that Joeli is with Him"?  You'd think that would be a no brainer...WRONG!  As a believer, in my mind and in my heart, I do choose to take comfort in that.  I've said it before but it bears repeating.  My goal as a parent and as a child of God is to one day worship at His feet with my children...she's already there!  However, in my flesh, my answer is ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!  NO!  My arms physically ache for her, I miss my baby.  She was beautiful, happy, smart, sassy, and mine!  There was so much I wanted for her.  So much she'd yet to see and learn.  So many photographs I never got the opportunity to take.  I never would've imagined this day, this pain, this life.  This isn't what I planned.  Funny how we get so caught up in what we plan instead of what He's planned.  My sweet girl is making differences for her baby sister, her mama, and maybe even for you.  I could have never dreamed of the things she'd accomplish.  If I'm able to accomplish in my lifetime half of what she did in 3 short years, I'll consider myself blessed. 
   Truth is I miss my Joeli!  I miss who she was and who she never got to be.  January 18, 2007 Heaven got so much sweeter.  As a believer we are taught that this is not our home....it's certainly been solidified for me that I was not made for here.  So today my heart breaks again and I cry for the baby I no longer hold in my arms.  I cry for the child that I prayed so hard to have.  She was not made for here.  I miss everything about her.  I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile, her eyes, her wanting to be near me every second, her wrapping her sweet arms around me and saying "I love you, Mama, all heart".  I love you my Joeli Lynn, all heart! 
   God has certainly orchestrated divine appointments throughout this day.  A post on my facebook wall, a smile from someone who knows that I know, a hug when I least expected it, a text or a phone call.  He knew how badly I needed those sweet reminders of her.  Today in Mobile, AL it's been beautiful.  I remember that day...everything about it.  Today has been quite the opposite and for that I'm thankful.  She loved to be outside and often pointed out things that are often considered ordinary.  I tend to consciously look for the ordinary that maybe isn't thanks to her.  She was my heart and today I choose to honor her...not to run from what this world says is all there is.  I know better!  Until I hold her again, until I sing with her again, until this earthly life ends...I take one more breath...again.